The number of marriages failing in the United states calls into question the way in which the institution is entered into by many, for the percentages are a staggering 40>50%, with second marriages failing at 60%, and third marriages ending in divorce at a rate of 73%. And the trickle-down effects also continue to take their toll, with families, and spouses being estranged, and with the very structure, which is the foundation of society, being shaken. In addition to this, there are some very disturbing statistics, and trends we would do well to ponder, as we study the issue.
[1] Here in the United states, one divorce takes place every 36 seconds. That's the equivalent of nearly 2,400 divorces per day, 16,800 divorces per
week and 876,000 divorces a year.
[2] The rate of divorce for same-sex couples is about half of the figure for straight couples, and the rate is lower among atheists, than with Christians. A very important, but solemn fact to note here is that the stage for trivial divorces in America has been largely set by the celebrity world, for Brittney Spears holds the world record for the shortest marriage, just 55 hours, before her union with Jason Alexander came to an untimely end.
[3] People who wait to get married, until they are over the age of 25 are 24 percent less likely to get divorced, which brings the issue of mature decision into play.
[4] Living together, or cohabiting prior to tying the knot can increase the chance of getting divorced by as much as 40 percent. The longer two people live
together without any formal marriage pledge, the more unlikely that the union will ever take place.
[5] And the carnage continues, because the down-draft effects on children of divorced parents also takes a heavy toll on our society, with forty-three percent of children growing up in America today being raised without fathers. And fifty percent of all American children will witness the breakup of a parent's marriage.
Obviously, this is not what God had in mind when He performed the first marriage ceremony in Eden, for it was His purpose that society should rest upon a sure foundation, with husbands and wives seeking to cultivate the mutual love, courtesy, kindness, and respect, which will in turn foster longevity within a marriage relation. And thus, the children, having a good example to follow, would also be inclined to be stable within their marriages, so that plan “B”, or the nuclear option could forever be taken off the table.
But what has unfolded here in the land of the free, and the home of the brave is that very many people enter into marriage with the understanding that if it does not work out the way they expected, they can always leave, and because of this, a deep sense of a lifelong commitment is lacking in many cases. God never intended that problems, which arise within the marriage should trigger separation, but instead should be addressed and resolved in co-partnership with Omnipotence, for there is a solution for almost every problem that may arise.
So it is befitting here that we revisit the marriage vow, as a gentle reminder of what is entailed in the commitment: "I, ___, take thee, ___, to be my wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.
Thus, it is against the backdrop of God’s ideal, and man’s perverseness that we will explore some of the main reasons why marriages fail. We will also turn to the word of God to see how, and where we may be able to stem the tide of dysfunctionalism, so that in our own lives, and families, God may once again be honored, wherever this statement may be warranted.
The first, and primary reason according to statistics, why failure may occur within the marriage, is that spouses have in some instances, gotten married too soon, without the proper and necessary preparation for the changes they are sure to encounter. When a sacred commitment to another is made for life, it is supposed to cover the unexpected vicissitudes, the challenges, the disappointments, the joys, and the changes that form a part of an ongoing relationship.
Great care should then be taken up front, observing the other person’s character, disposition, and habits as well as spending much time with their immediate family, because, as a general rule of thumb, what is seen in the parents is what will unfold in the child. Apples scarcely ever fall far from the tree, except in cases where conversion takes place, and thus, the time spent with the spouse’s parents, could yield a treasure trove of information, and helpful insights, as to what will almost certainly transpire in the future.
The counsel of God to us, on making hasty, or rash decisions, and commitments, including, but not exclusive to marriage, is that great care and careful thought should be exercised up front, so that we will not renege on that which we have solemnly pledged ourselves to, even if the results may be extremely difficult to deal with. As we study the following text, we should observe the over-arching principles of a deep, steadfast commitment, which should form a part of not only marriage, but of anything we may pledge ourselves to do. Let’s read:
Ecclesiastes 5:2 Be not rash with thy mouth, and let not thine heart be hasty to utter anything before God: for God is in heaven, and thou upon earth: therefore let thy words be few.
3 For a dream cometh, and a fool's voice is known by multitude of words.
4 When thou vowest a vow unto God, defer not to pay it; for he hath no pleasure in fools: pay that which thou hast vowed.
5 Better is it that thou shouldest not vow, than that thou shouldest vow and not pay.
6 Suffer not thy mouth to cause thy flesh to sin; neither say thou before the angel, that it was an error.
7 For in the multitude of dreams and many words there are also divers vanities: but fear thou God.
A clear distinction must be made between passion and principle, for passion tends to instability, whilst principle tends to longevity. Infatuation is often the main driver in motivating folks to tie the knot, but it is an element which must be held in subjection to raw commonsense, for when left unbridled, it can cause an otherwise discreet person to go bananas, driving him, or her to make a hasty, and impulsive decision.
A certain young man found, what he thought was the girl of his dreams, with her having good internal characteristics, as well as comely physical features, all in one unbelievably perfect package. Not long after meeting her, he proposed to get married, for he thought he couldn’t run the risk of losing her to someone else. That said, their marriage was hastily arranged, without either of them doing their due diligence, and the marriage ceremony was so well orchestrated that it seemed to be a match made in heaven.
However, not long after the marriage, a disturbing discovery was made, for the beautiful wife was diagnosed with cancer, which was metastasizing, and so, to avoid a premature death, she decided to have a double mastectomy, which indeed saved her life. But the young man had never catered for such a sudden change of events as this, and thus it was not long before he started behaving very strangely, becoming quite irritable, and restless as the days went by.
However, because this is a very sensitive issue, we will not disclose the details of the final chapter in their experience, but suffice it to say that they were headed for splits-ville, after only a short stay-cation. The servant of the Lord has very timely counsels on the issue of hasty marriage, that those who are now contemplating taking the plunge, will be well served to study very carefully. Let’s read:
[A.H. pp 79>80] Early marriages are not to be encouraged. A relation so important as marriage, and so far-reaching in its results should not be entered upon hastily without sufficient preparation, and before the mental and physical powers are well developed.
The young affections should be restrained until the period arrives when sufficient age and experience will make it honorable and safe to unfetter them. Those who will not be restrained will be in danger of dragging out an unhappy existence. A youth not out of his teens is a poor judge of the fitness of a person as young as himself to be his companion for life.
After their judgment has become more matured, they view themselves bound for life to each other and perhaps not at all calculated to make each other happy. Then, instead of making the best of their lot, recriminations take place, the breach widens, until there is settled indifference, and neglect of each other. To them there is nothing sacred in the word “home.” The very atmosphere is poisoned by unloving words and bitter reproaches.
The next reason why marriages fail, is that there may be lack of communication. Husbands and wives should find time to speak with each other, even if they may not have much to say, because the mere fact of being in each other’s company, goes a long way in keeping those lines of communication open. Often, the hustle and bustle of life may take its toll, or the problem may be a breakdown of courteous communication.
In some instances, husbands are guilty of acting like bullies, with the wife being expected to act, and do according to his dictates, without reason. In other instances, the wife may feel at liberty to do as she pleases, regardless of how the husband feels. Then again, a spirit of independence is often woven into he marriage, with each other staking their claim to
certain “rights” and privileges that are never to be called into question by the other spouse.
In addition, some Christians often place a very great emphasis upon what the secular world thinks of us, and not what God esteems us to be, and because of this, many wives and husbands have become virtual slaves of popular opinions, and standards, shaping their ideas, valuations, and morals according to the criteria of the world. Thus, whenever communion with each other takes place, it is often against the backdrop of secular modes of thought and action, and behavioral patterns, and dispositions that are shaped more by those Hollywood soap operas, than by the truths and instructions of God’s word.
However, the word of God gives pertinent counsels to remedy such issues, and if Jesus is in the heart of each spouse, the road to courteous, intimate, and friendly speech will be paved with the oil of God’s love, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. As we read, let us determine not be hearers only, but doers of the word. Let’s read:
Ephesians 4:29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
30 And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.
31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice.
32 And be ye kind one to another.
1st Corinthians 7:2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and like-wise also the wife unto the husband.
4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and like-wise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
Ephesians 5:28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
Another major cause of breakups is the frequent mismanagement of financial matters, by which one spouse may be driven to insanity, because of the spending habits of the other, or because of the sheer inability to provide for the necessities of life. In ancient times, fathers would generally not give their daughters in marriage, to one who was not financially stable or secure, for this would cause a problem from the get go.
This is the reason why Jacob chose to work so hard for Rachel, a total of 14 years, because when he had fled from his parent’s home, all he had was the shirt on his back. Now, this is not to say that his love for Rachel was not sincere and genuine, but when he had to go shopping by Publix, they would not accept sincerity as payment. God is very down to earth and practical in His instructions to us, and therefore, it is quite in order, for financial issues to be put on the table, both before, and after marriage, so that both parties may be able to navigate the difficulties that may arise.
Spending for necessities and wants should be done in a responsible manner, with great care being taken to keep our outflows in line with our inflows. The habit of impulsive spending, or binge shopping for bling, and our favorite things, is often the culprit that triggers resentment within the marriage. A well thought out plan for the management of bills, and saving, should be put in place, and adhered to by both spouses.
Another cause for dissent is when finances are kept separate, with one spouse not knowing where the other stands. Marriage involves the relinquishing of personal privacy, and therefore everything should be read as an open book between spouses. Now, it is understandable that this could be a sensitive area to deal with, if one person does not exercise proper self-control. However, instead of hiding funds under the mattress, husbands and wives should try to help out each other, because each person has peculiar problems, and the purpose of the commitment is to always lend a helping hand.
Husbands and wives should not become chafed at this counsel, because true love always incurs some level of risk, and therefore, we should be there for each other during the sunny days of our experience, as well as the rainy days. Several good instructions coming from the Bible, and from the servant of the Lord will serve the purpose of staving off, and also rectifying such problems if and when they do occur. Let’s read:
Proverbs 10:4 He becometh poor that dealeth with a slack hand: but the hand of the diligent maketh rich.
Ecclesiastes 5:10 He that loveth silver shall not be satisfied with silver; nor he that loveth abundance with increase: this is also vanity.
11 When goods increase, they are increased that eat them: and what good is there to the owners thereof.
1st Timothy 6:6 But godliness with contentment is great gain.
7 For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out.
8 And having food and raiment let us be therewith content.
9 But they that will be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and hurtful lusts, which drown men in destruction and perdition.
10 For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.
11 But thou, O man of God, flee these things; and follow after righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, meekness.
[C.S pp 249] Very many, have not so educated themselves that they can keep their expenditures within the limit of their income. They do not learn to adapt themselves to circumstances, and they borrow and borrow again and again, and become overwhelmed in debt, and consequently they become discouraged and disheartened or even have overdrawn their account. Thus, they lay the soul open to fierce temptations, and fall into the wiles of Satan.
Last but not least, on the long list of triggering mechanisms for disaster within the marriage is the issue of infidelity, by which many great men, and women have stumbled throughout the course of history. There are several reasons why infidelity takes place, and the wise spouse will do all that he or she can to make intimacy the best that it can be. In a perfect world, the principle of love will be able to keep spouses from straying into forbidden paths.
But now, where there are millions of temptations greeting husbands and wives each day, special care should be taken to do whatever it takes to make the other spouse happy once it does not violate the law of God, and the law of one’s conscience. This will call for self-denial in some instances, and in other circumstances, it will call for real effort on the part of both, but making each other happy and secure in their marriage should be of paramount importance.
1st Corinthians 7:33 He that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife.
34 There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.
God is able to keep anyone from falling, but we also must do our part in facilitating His good work in us. In other words, we should never assume that just because a husband or wife may be a good Christian that, the fact will, in and of itself be sufficient to forestall any and every incursion by the enemy of all righteousness, for most of the infidelities recorded in the scriptures were done by Christians, and thus, because God is practical in His instructions, He bids us do our very best to foster cohesiveness, love, and happiness between ourselves, and then trust Him to take up the slack.
We will end our study with words of instruction that will go a long way in preserving both the happiness and the sanctity of marriage, when applied in the most literal sense.
[P&P pp 147] The instruction given to Abraham touching the sacredness of the marriage relation was to be a lesson for all ages. It declares that the rights and happiness of this relation are to be carefully guarded, even at a great sacrifice. Sarah was the only true wife of Abraham. Her rights as a wife and mother no other person was entitled to share. She reverenced her husband, and in this she is presented in the New Testament as a worthy example. But she was unwilling that Abraham's affections should be given to another, and the Lord did not reprove her for requiring the banishment of her rival. Both Abraham and Sarah distrusted the power of God, and it was this error that led to the marriage with Hagar.
May God add His blessing to the study and practice of His word.
God bless!