The marriage vow that is taken at the beginning of the sacred union includes cryptic words such as “For better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. Most people do not fully understand the extent and the far-reaching import of such a commitment, and in most cases, it is only after the euphoria of the moment has passed and the rubber meets the road, that a realization of the meaning of the vow sets in.
Then, in very many instances, after the passage of time, the nuts and bolts start to come loose, which often leads to marriage remorse, a syndrome that causes a settled cloud to hang over the relationship. It is God’s will that the union for life between a man and his female wife, should continue to grow, and blossom over the entire life of the marriage, with a deeper understanding, and better communication, being hallmarks of the experience.
Therefore, there are some pointers, some dos and don’ts which, if observed carefully and prayerfully, will go a mighty long way in cementing the marriage relationship. Just as truth is progressive in nature, so the marriage should be marked by a continuous advancement in love, humility, kindness, security, and everything that will build up, instead of tearing down.
To grow closer, and more intimate in marriage must be the goal of each spouse, and the commensurate actions are to foster such goals. Whatever separates or causes uneasiness, whatever causes disturbance, or causes spouses to have second thoughts, should not be left to percolate for any length of time, but should be addressed in a God-fearing manner, with the aim of seeking a resolve as quickly as possible.
The following therefore are some keys to fostering longevity and happiness in marriage. Some Biblical instructions and references will be given, so that we may learn from the experiences of those who have gone before. Therefore, we will start with the dos.
[1] Love must be expressed in word and deed.
1st John 4:8 He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.
It’s not what we say, but what we do that matters most, and thus, if longevity in marriage is to take place, deeds of kindness, and due consideration are essential and should find expression in our everyday experience, not like Santa Claus who comes once a year. This will call for deliberate action, and at times may involve self-denial, but it is nonetheless a very essential component.
Much time should be taken to observe and to study the peculiar characteristics of each other, and then efforts should be made to foster the good and help with overcoming the weaknesses in both. We must remember that Mr. and Mrs. perfect do not live on earth, for Mr. perfect is in heaven, and as such, well directed efforts are to be made in cultivating such an environment in the home where each other will feel loved.
It is not necessary to wait until Valentines to bring flowers, and it is not necessary to wait until one’s birthday or wedding anniversary to do something special, because, while special occasions should be celebrated, genuine deeds of kindness, done out of the blue, and throughout the year, will go much further than the formatted expressions of tradition.
For instance, the wife will usually appreciate if the husband will cook at times or do those things that are often done by her, such as washing and folding clothes. To help in practical ways with the everyday duties of life especially at those times when spouses may need it most, goes a long way in cementing the relationship, and establishing in one’s mind that the other really cares about him/ her. Let’s read:
Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
[2] Speak in loving tones.
What we say is just as important as how we say it, and there are times when how we say it would be much more important. The tendency to raise one’s voice when disturbed, acts as gasoline upon flames, which once ignited can become quite difficult to put out. Fighting fire with fire produces more fire, and thus, the tone of one’s voice often goes a long way in the reception of what is to be said. Let’s read:
Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.
It is a good thing to have Christ in our hearts at all times, but especially when sensitive matters are to be discussed, we should pray for wisdom, and the right tones, so that a peaceful, Christlike resolution would result. The argumentative spirit must be put away, and the craving to have the last word would be better subdued, wherever it will foster peace or reconciliation between spouses. Let’s read:
Ephesians 4:29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
30 And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.
31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice.
[3] Share
We are living in an age where me first philosophies have invaded the minds of millions, and there is a tendency to enter into prenuptial agreements so as to protect one’s assets from the other. But if wives and husbands have to protect themselves against each other, then the question is, why get married in the first place?
Independence of thought, and action in marriage does not foster mutual trust, for it tends to keep spouses at bay, from crossing certain lines. There are times when one, or the other will need to take the initiative in financial or other matters, because important principles may need to be implemented. However, the intentions, and the end goal should always be to share with each other, the temporal and spiritual blessings of life.
After God created Adam and Eve, He called both of them Adam, meaning that the two are one in every aspect of the marriage experience. This includes the mutual sharing of God’s blessings, including, but not limited to finances. The term “Mutual funds” should not only be restricted to investments but also to the marriage, where husbands, and wives share in the wealth, because separation often starts at the bank. Let’s read:
Genesis 2: 24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
Genesis 5: 2 Male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created.
Let not past bad experiences, or failures in matters of finances cause any to become tight-fisted, for we all have made mistakes, some more, some less. It is the will of God that restoration be the end goal as it pertains to financial, or other errors, and therefore, spouses would have to trust, and help one another, to learn how to manage temporal goods for practice makes perfect.
In the parable of the faithful steward we observe that The Lord gave him some funds to practice with. And it’s quite possible that in his investments, and financial decisions, he may have erred along the way, for a good investor is not risk-averse. The issue is not so much with the monetary mistakes that one may make along the way, but with the recovery and lessons learned from past experiences.
If past financial errors are used as stepping stones in the recovery process, and if husbands, and wives do not adopt the “one strike and you’re out” mode of thought, then a careful consideration of past errors done with a humble, teachable spirit can produce results that far outweigh previous mistakes. Let us not therefore be weary in well-doing, but like Christ be willing and ready to forgive. Let’s read:
Ephesians 4:32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
But just as there are dos, there are some don’ts we must be mindful of, for very often, negative actions and thoughts may cause alienation between some husbands and wives. Even though we should all be forgiving, yet forgiveness should not be viewed or used as a blank check to do things that cannot be helpful in anyway. There are some definite don’ts we should avoid at all costs.
[1] Husbands and wives should never criticize each other in public.
Whatever the faults or failures may be in the other person, husbands and wives should guard jealously the reputation and character of each other. This is an area which needs much attention, because hurt can be done inadvertently when the weaknesses or mistakes of either is exposed to public view.
Even when a valid criticism is to be made, we will be well served to take care of it privately, for spouses are to always be a formidable, united front. Another error that is sometimes indulged is that of making a husband or wife the subject of “jokes”, especially in the public square. This should be avoided, because persons can be embarrassed, and wounded in the process.
Whatever happens to the wife should be taken very personally by the husband, and vice-versa, and thus any public embarrassment, or humiliation via jokes can take a toll on both. The standards and practices of the world should never form a part of our actions because in many cases, they are contrary to sound, biblical principles. Let’s read:
Ephesians 5:1 Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children;
2 And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling savor.
3 But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints;
4 Neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor jesting, which are not convenient: but rather giving of thanks.
15 See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise,
16 Redeeming the time, because the days are evil.
17 Wherefore be ye not unwise but understanding what the will of the Lord is.
[2] Domestic violence between husbands and wives is off-limits and constitutes a red line that should never, ever be crossed.
Husbands should never ever hit, or wound their wives for any reason, for this is dead wrong. It is true that at times persons may become angry, and tempers may flare up when heated arguments take place, but to resort to physical violence is off-limits, according to the scriptures, and according to the laws of the land.
The use of force is a core principle of satan and if it is adopted by any spouse via physical abuse, for any reason, great damage is done not only to the body, but also to the psyche of the one thus harmed. In some cases, the damage done both physically and mentally may never be reversed, even if the person is forgiven; that’s how serious it is.
Husbands, if for any reason the wife hits you in her anger, under no circumstances should you retaliate with physical violence, for whenever this is done, a disproportionate use of force will be the result. In other words, let not her anger provoke you to then respond in kind, for retaliation is not the currency of heaven. Try to diffuse the situation without violence for this is good and acceptable with God. Let’s read:
Ephesians 4:26 Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath.
27 Neither give place to the devil.
Ephesians 5:23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body.
25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
[3] Where the raising of the children is involved, husbands and wives should not contradict each other.
Spouses should speak often with one another so as to be on the same page, especially when it comes to the raising of children, because too often, the wife may say one thing, and the husband another. This is productive of confusion in the minds of the children who are keen to figure out the differences. Then if one is lenient and the other strict, one is viewed as a savior, while the other is viewed as a devil.
The principles and laws that govern the home must be discussed and agreed upon in private, between the husband and wife, and then presented to the children as a united front. In this way spouses can avoid double-standards from taking root in the home, and the wife’s word will carry just as much weight as the husband’s.
In closing, if husbands were to treat their wives as queens, in most cases, wives in turn will treat their husbands as kings, for the wife is a reflection of her husband. It is the will of God that the family, which is the foundation of all society, should be a well-knit unit, contributing to the moral and spiritual fabric of the communities in which they live. Thus, we close with a brief commentary coming from the servant of The Lord. Let’s read:
[Christian Education. pp 219] The best test of the Christianity of a home is the type of character begotten by its influence.
May God help us to implement these instructions.
God Bless!